After 25 years of raising a family together with countless laughs, a few tears, and our share of ups and downs, I re-proposed to my wife for our silver anniversary. And for a second time in my lucky life, she said yes! As we reminisced on how we got here, I realized that some of the best lessons we’ve learned as partners are the same as in a successful negotiation. Turns out, long-term relationships and great dealmaking have more in common than I ever realized.
So, whether you’re figuring out what to watch on Netflix together or sealing a deal, here are 5 lessons I’ve taken away from 25 years of marriage and negotiating.
1. Compromise Is Overrated
In our marriage, there’ve been moments when we’ve each sacrificed something in order to move forward. However, most of the time, we’ve found that our best move is not compromising, but asking, “How can we both get what we want?” Not in a scorekeeping kind of way, but in a creative, let’s-solve-this-together way. This outlook has helped minimize our resentment and maximize our joy.
Many negotiators treat every deal like it’s a zero-sum game: The only way to get what you want is to take from the other side. But that often means both sides walk away with less. If you aim higher by starting with, “How can we both get what we want?” you’ll frequently get better outcomes and a stronger post-negotiation relationship.
2. You Have to Want to Be Together
As in any relationship, we’ve had our bumps in the road (not to mention a few potholes). It was easier to get over them because we both wanted to make the relationship work. Our shared commitment gave us purpose and momentum to overcome obstacles.
In negotiations, you may not be pledging forever, but shared intention matters. If both parties are clear early on about why they want a deal, it creates a kind of glue. Without a shared “why,” it’s just a tug-of-war. With it, it can be a partnership moving in the same direction.
3. Assumptions Are Dangerous
After 25 years, you’d think I could read my wife’s mind. Spoiler alert: I cannot. I do my best to anticipate her needs, but my assumptions aren’t always correct, and unfortunately, bad assumptions can trump good intentions. So, I ask what she needs instead of guessing.
Assumptions are equally risky in negotiation. You may think you know what the other side values, but unless you ask, you’re just guessing — and guessing can be expensive. Instead of acting on assumptions, test them. It'll save you time, money, and help preserve the relationship.
4. Make Time to Check In
Between kids, work, errands, and figuring out what’s for dinner, life can get pretty hectic. We’ve learned that making time for each other helps nurture our relationship and ensures that we stay connected to each other even when we’re apart.
Negotiations are the same: We can become so focused on closing the deal that we forget to stop and say, “Hey, how are we doing?” Taking a beat and summarizing progress can help maintain alignment. A well-timed pause can prevent a breakdown.
5. Laugh More Than You Cry
We’ve had our share of tough days, but laughter has always been our pressure valve. Even in the worst moments, a shared joke or silly memory reminds us that whatever we're facing, we’re in it together and this, too, shall pass.
Negotiations can also get intense. When tensions flare, and heels dig in, it’s usually time to take a break, breathe, or even crack a joke (judiciously). Don’t let the emotion of the moment wreck a long-term relationship. A little levity can go a long way toward getting things back on track.
We’ve learned many other lessons, but these 5 stand out because they helped get us to 25 years of “yes.” Whether you’re negotiating a marriage or a business contract, the best deals are the ones you want to keep saying yes to.
“Yes” Is More Powerful Than “No.”
Scotwork’s negotiation training or consulting is proven to help you achieve better outcomes and a stronger post-negotiation relationship. Trust our 50 years of experience with your most important deals.