Some time ago, I was preparing for a negotiation in which I was pretty confident that I was owed some money. The math was clear. The agreement was in writing. Yet somewhere between reviewing my notes and getting on the call, I started talking myself out of it.
Maybe I’m reading this wrong. Maybe they’ll push back hard. Maybe this isn’t worth the relationship damage. By the time the negotiation started, I’d already given up half my position — and that was before the other side said a single word.
What I experienced is one of the most common (and most overlooked) negotiation mistakes there is: negotiating against yourself before the other side even shows up.
Why We Do It
We’re hardwired for this kind of self-sabotage. Psychologists call it “loss aversion”: We fear the pain of potential loss more intensely than the pleasure of an equivalent potential gain. So, we pre-compromise to avoid the sting of rejection, conflict, or an awkward silence. Here are some of the triggers for this behavior . . .
- Lack of confidence: You don’t fully believe your position is legitimate, so you soften it before anyone even pushes back.
- People-pleasing: You want to be liked (or at least not disliked), and you’ve convinced yourself that a more aggressive position will make you the villain.
- Conflict aversion: You believe that holding firm will make things worse, so you try to smooth the road before you’ve even hit a bump.
- Past baggage: A difficult history with someone leads you to presume the worst, so you preemptively adjust to avoid what you’re convinced is inevitable.
- Deal fatigue: You’ve been working on this for months, and you just want it done. Any deal sounds better than no deal, so you start making mental price cuts before the first offer is on the table.
In each of these cases, the other side didn’t move you. You moved you. Here are 3 tips that can help you stop this behavior.
1. Never go alone.
This is probably the most underutilized tool in negotiating. Having a partner, or a small team, in the room (or on the call) creates a critical check on your psychology. The ideal setup includes at least one person who’s not emotionally attached to the outcome and another person who’ll tell you the truth even when you don’t want to hear it.
Before you make a move, talk to them. They’re your reality check when your head starts spinning.
2. Prepare like your position depends on it — because it does.
Most self-negotiating happens when people don’t really know what a good deal looks like. When you’re unclear on your objectives, fuzzy on your walk-away point, or unprepared on what you’re willing to trade, your brain fills in the gaps with anxiety. Solid preparation replaces that anxiety with clarity. It keeps you tethered to your actual interests instead of your imagined fears.
Know your issues. Know your limits. Know your concessions. Write them down before you go in. This is key to your own self-defense.
3. Ask “why” before you move.
Anytime you feel the pull to shift your position, stop and ask yourself, “Why am I moving right now?” If the honest answer has anything to do with how you’re feeling — nervous, tired, eager to please, afraid of conflict — then pump the brakes, talk to your team, and go back to your prep.
The irony of self-negotiating is that we think we’re being strategic by building goodwill, avoiding friction, and keeping things moving. But what we’re really doing is spending our chips before the game even starts. The other side doesn’t have to beat you. You’re doing it for them.
Don’t be your own toughest opponent.
Negotiation Training and Consulting to Avoid Negotiating with Yourself.
Rely on Scotwork’s expertise to help you keep the negotiation with the other side — where it belongs.